Annie Take the Wheel

This past weekend, I shoved two old trundle bed mattresses and camping supplies into the back of Ody and drove up to the White Mountain National Forest with Nina, one of my best friends from high school to celebrate the beginning of our ‘real adult’ lives.  We hiked, we swam, we adventured, we drank more beer than water, we cooked, we laughed, we reminisced, we did all of the things. But, most importantly we drove…I drove.

I’ve never been a confident driver.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The girl who intends to drive cross country and live in a van gets nervous about driving… let that sink in.

Going to boarding school and living in a city I never had to drive much.  During my junior year of high school, I did weekly driving lessons with the infamous Wayne and Nekke from Liberty Driving where I drove around the farm land of Western Mass.  I’d meet Wayne or Nekke, depending on the day, in front of the main school building, get behind the wheel, give updates on my past week, rant about a recent game, complain about a test later that week, and listen to their stories as we drove around the town and farms surrounding campus for an hour.  It was a much needed escape from school and an impromptu therapy session, but after weeks of lessons one day Nekke called my mom and said, “You have the sweetest daughter.  One of the nicest I have ever taught… but, she’s a TERRIBLE driver.”

Before I got out of our car to take my driving test, my mom told me that no one has ever failed for being too cautious.  Thirty minutes later, I got back into our car, eyes watery, and announced that I had failed the test for driving too slow.  I am the first person to fail for being too safe.

That summer, without a license, I biked 8 miles to and from work.  Having to bike that summer accomplished two things.  One, I was in the best shape of my life. Two, I was more determined than ever to drive over 20 mph in order to pass my next test.

For a long time, driving gave me anxiety.  I avoided having to do it, and, when I did, I got nervous sweats and clutched the steering wheel with a white knuckled grip.  However, like most things, overtime, it got easier, more comfortable, and less stressful.  I’d currently qualify myself as a pretty good driver who prefers not to drive in the heavy rain or the dark and struggles to park.  I’ve come a long way.

As my #vanlife plan progressed, the tiny voice in my head laughed “but, how the hell are you going to drive a van?!?!”  It was the same voice that also questioned my ability to build out the inside of the van, the same voice that told me I should probably do what’s expected and get a normal job, and the same voice that has always echoed inside of me expressing doubts, fears, anxieties and telling me I shouldn’t or couldn’t throughout my life.  I’ve fallen victim to my inner voice countless times, but, like my driving, overtime I’ve gotten better at proving it wrong.  I could and I will.

Enter Ody.

Perhaps me knowing that being able to drive Ody was ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL for doing any of this, when I’m in that driver’s seat there’s no fear.  I feel strong, capable, empowered and motivated. Maybe it’s because I’m in a huge vehicle hovering over the other cars, but more likely it’s because I’m taking life into my own hands.  Annie take the wheel.